Carl Newlen

Footnotes

- July 10, 2009, 3:52 pm | Notes To Read While Falling

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1. It should be understood that these are not the only notes left behind by the writer. There were unfinished works in the margins of some books, and on scraps of paper on the floor. Some words were found written in pencil on the windowsill of his room.

2. It`s not that he spoke to her every day; we can only say he spoke when she heard his voice.

3. There were calculations. A line drawn down the center of the page. On the left: addition - two became one by simply adding one to the other. On the right: division - and like he was taught in school, anything left over he had to carry.

4. Afterward the writer eventually slept in the houses of two women, one he just met and one a past lover.

5. The first woman asked him a question and refused to let him answer. He didn`t know why.

6. The second woman slid her foot ___________ as she stretched for the light at the end of the couch. She knew him well.

7. Although his collective notes are full of details, the writer gave some false information. For example, there is no scripture at Lamentations 6:33, and in the space where that might have been he wrote, "Near the edge of the silky brown Nile, after a day of talking and swimming in the sun, the sad fair- haired girl he found beautiful and more beautiful in his heart, tempted him to sin. He sinned. He knew no other way."

8. When she finally told him what it was she couldn`t say, the writer was moved beyond all things he knew. Later, in two neat lines across the palm of his left hand, he would write "People say the blessed would see heaven / my wish would be to see her forever." It is gone now and it is still there.

9. Object Permanence: The belief that things only exist when they are seen. When they are out of sight they no longer exist. Each time you close your eyes these notes never existed - the writer stops living. The thing she loved most about him never happens.

10. This was only the third winter the writer remembers. The first was when he was four and the snow fell in silence overnight to reach as high as the windows. He doesn`t know if it ever snowed like that again. The second winter, although quite cold and filled with grey hollow, didn`t matter as much in the Spring.

11. Written in pencil on the windowsill: "A single nail holding an empty frame."

12. The reader should not be confused. It was ______________ who suggested he develop a dark, brooding side so A. would have a better reason to be scared to live her life with him. He replied, "Too late. My words were so bad, she left."

13. In the end the writer never asked her if she loved him. He didn`t think we needed to know. He didn`t want to know.

14. While playing with three toy birds near the window, the small girl was overheard saying `I shouldn`t have married a Cardinal. I should have married a bird with more colors.`

15. One thing the writer confessed: "I am only half the meaning." It is believed he had already begun using her name as metaphor for things he thinks are beautiful.

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